I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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