I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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