see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize