Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize