my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
