I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
