she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
