I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
