Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
