I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
