just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
