Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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