he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Are my feet made of real feet?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
