We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
