he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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