ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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