Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
