I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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