Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize