i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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