My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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