Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
