It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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