There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
