sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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