I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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