I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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