he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
