I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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