I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she looked like the before picture.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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