Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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