then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
