my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
