So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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