i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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