its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
