am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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