do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
