Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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