my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
