It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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