i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
