no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
