Where is the hickey?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
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