Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
