I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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