I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
