First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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