dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
