I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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