Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
