Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
