i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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