i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
