I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize