We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
