just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
