K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
We need to rekindle our bromance
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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