Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
